The Gift of Listening to Others
“The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them.”
This quote is by Ralph G. Nichols, who was an American author and communications expert who lived from 1916 to 2006.
Being a good listener is an excellent quality to have. Giving our full attention to people talking to us, making eye contact, and not interrupting leads to our better understanding what they are sharing with us. It also shows that we are interested in what they are telling us and that we value them.
In my experience as a crisis line counselor, giving my full attention to those who have called has been essential to trying to assist them. In fact, many times the person calling would tell me that just being able to talk about what they were experiencing with someone who listened was helpful in itself. This reflects Nichols’ words that being understood is a basic human need. And that’s even more the case when a person is struggling emotionally.
Acquiring active listening skills is an essential part of counseling training. In addition to giving our full attention and not interrupting, it includes reflecting back from time to time what a person has said and asking clarifying questions. All of us can learn to do these helpful approaches that let people know we are listening and understanding what they are telling us.
Many of us need to improve our ability to listen. Too often when someone is talking to someone else, that person checks their phone or is easily distracted in other ways, is forming an answer instead of focusing on what the person is saying, or talks about an experience they had, as if they were waiting for the other person to finish so they could talk. All of these actions lead to the person not feeling understood.
Recently I read an article about a high school where students were not allowed to look at their cell phones during classes, but they could during lunch break. Some students started a challenge whose purpose was that students would choose to interact with each other rather than texting, playing games, etc., on their phones. There was a better than expected response. Some of the students interviewed said how much they were enjoying having conversations with each other by choosing not to view their phones. This also reflects Nichols’ words about the basic need of being understood. And it brings to mind for me how students conversing and enjoying each other’s company can decrease the loneliness that some young people feel.
I encourage all of us to notice how well we are listening when others are talking to us. And to remember Nichols’ words about the human need to understand and to be understood.