Category: PersonalGrowth

“Egocentricity is like a hard shell around the ego, shutting the ego in, shutting other people out, and preventing the energy of the Self from coming through.” This is a quotation from one of John Sanford’s books, The Strange Trial of Mr. Hyde. Sanford, a Jungian analyst and author, had a gift for presenting Jungian ideas in clear, understandable language, and I have learned a great deal from reading his books and listening to his recorded presentations.

Egocentricity is that tendency to think only of oneself and to ignore the feelings and needs of others. When Sanford says egocentricity “shuts the ego in,” I think of limitations and rigidity, no access to new ideas, and no personal growth. Shutting other people out also results in limitations; there is no sharing of experiences and insights that can result from interacting with others. There is no assisting others either, a further sign of a deficient approach to life.

Most importantly, being egocentric cuts us off from the Self. The Self is the larger reality that includes both the ego and the unconscious; it provides energy, strength, and direction to the ego. In the same book I referred to above, Sanford writes: “Without a relationship with the Self, the ego is devoid of vital energy, creativity, and a sense of meaning in life.” Clearly, we need to be in relationship with the Self to change and grow and do those things we were created to do.

No one is without some egocentricity. It’s the degree we need to watch for in ourselves and do our best to break through that hard shell that is so limiting. This is another reason to pay attention to our dreams, synchronicities, and intuition because the Self communicates to us through them. By these means, the Self helps us to see when we are being egocentric and helps us to get back on our path.

“As one grows to understand life less and less, one learns to live it more and more.” This quotation was in a fortune cookie that came with my meal at a restaurant. The quotation resonated with me immediately. I am in my 60s so I’ve been on this earth quite a while. And although I have learned a great deal over the years and understand many things, there are certainly things I don’t understand and some that I never will. I have needed to learn to live with mystery.

I find it hard to understand cruelty. There are psychological theories about why people commit cruel acts, but I still find it hard to understand. I also don’t understand why some children are born with disabilities or become seriously ill and die, that they and the people who love them have to suffer in this way. There are many occurrences such as these that I don’t understand. There are also beautiful aspects of life I don’t understand, such as the presence of faith. But I’m thankful I have the gift of faith that helps me in many ways, including helping me to better accept mystery.

Because the quotation in the fortune cookie didn’t include an author’s name, I did an internet search because I wanted to acknowledge who the author is if I was able to find that out. My search didn’t lead me to the exact quotation; instead it led to a very similar one. Jules Renard, a French author and dramatist who lived from 1864 to 1910, said this: “As I grow to understand life less and less, I grow to love it more and more.”

This is also a meaningful quotation. But to me the difference between “living life” and “loving life” is significant. Because I believe the Creator created each of us as unique individuals with a plan for how we should live our lives, I believe I must try to follow the Creator’s direction for me whether I love life or not. I love certain aspects of life very much and I’m thankful for my many blessings, including being thankful for the people I love and who love me. But there are parts of life I do not love, such as those I mentioned above. I’ve found that trying to do what seems right for me makes living meaningful–trying to follow my path and doing the actions that involves. And through those endeavors, I do live life more and more.

One of the many meaningful quotations attributed to Mahatma Gandhi is “In a gentle way, you can shake the world.” Gandhi’s words are a reminder that each one of us can make a difference, can do our part in making this a better world.

I was reading an article recently about a woman who started a website asking people to list what they had done recently to help someone. The woman had the idea for her website because she had been the recipient of help after a very sad thing happened: her husband died of a heart attack when he was only 38 years old. She lost her husband, and their two young daughters lost their father. The woman was touched by the outpouring of help she received. People brought her and her daughters meals, offered to care for her daughters when she needed to run errands, helped with yard work, and in other ways lightened her burdens as she was grieving the loss of her husband.

Soon after starting her website, the woman began hearing from many people telling about what they had done to help others. The website has not only become a forum where people may share what they have done, it’s also a place where people can get ideas of what they can consider doing to assist someone. Seemingly small acts of kindness can make such a difference to the persons receiving them.

Another aspect of the article that meant a lot to me was how the woman was able to take an incredibly sad occurrence and use it as the basis for something good.

Where I work as a crisis line counselor, one of the lines we answer is a gambling helpline for people who are trying to stop gambling. Gambling can become addicting and, for many people, it leads to terrible problems. I have spoken with people whose gambling habit caused their marriage or other close relationships to end, who lost their homes to foreclosure, who lost their jobs – the list goes on. Thankfully, many people are able to stop gambling. But as with other addictions, they usually need help from professionals and/or support groups such as Gamblers Anonymous, and it takes a lot of hard work. Work that of course is worth the effort.

I’ve been fortunate that gambling never had much appeal to me. Hearing other people’s stories of loss and hardship has strengthened my opinion that gambling is something people should avoid. From time to time I read or hear about a nonprofit organization that had to close because of lack of funding. They are usually organizations that have provided much help to people in need. I find myself thinking I wish people who throw their money away gambling (money which mostly helps wealthy people become wealthier) would instead contribute that money to an organization whose mission is meaningful to them. Something to consider.

In my post titled “Our Journeys,” I wrote about an adolescent girl who was frustrated when a classmate didn’t agree with her opinion about a topic the girl believed was very important. After writing that post, I found myself thinking about the idea of noninterference that I had read about in Dr. Terry Chitwood’s book, Meeting Force with Silence.

Dr. Chitwood writes “When you spread your opinions where they are not wanted, you are interfering.” He goes on to say “If you want to make people tense, angry, or sad, try pushing your opinions on them.” He also shares this insight: “That is why noninterference is a concept that works. If you let situations unfold naturally and share your views when appropriate, then everything will progress smoothly.”

There are times when our ideas and opinions seem so right to us that it’s hard to resist trying to convince others that they should have those same opinions. But I agree with Dr. Chitwood that we must not interfere with other people in this way. No matter how strongly we hold a certain belief, it is wrong to try to force it on others. At the crisis line organization where I am a counselor, we are expected to use a counseling model that emphasizes trying to get a sense of each caller’s degree of readiness to do or try to do something, such as a coping strategy or self-care. It doesn’t do any good to tell a caller what he or she should do. Instead we try to collaborate with the caller to determine what might be the next step for him or her. This is another form of noninterference.

I also appreciate what Dr. Chitwood writes about letting situations “unfold naturally.” To do this takes patience and wisdom. Changes will happen naturally if we do not interfere.

The other day something came to mind that I hadn’t remembered for many years. My first job after graduating from college was teaching at a middle school. One of my students was expressing frustration with another student who had called herself “lucky” because something positive had happened to her. The student who was frustrated told the other student that people are not lucky when positive things happen, but instead they are blessed; that God causes good things to happen and those good things are blessings. The first student argued that it didn’t matter which word she used and she would use the word she wanted to. It was hard for the frustrated student to let it go. She felt so strongly about it she kept trying to convince the other student to change her way of thinking.

Remembering witnessing this interaction between the students reminds me of how each of us is on our own journey. And along the way each of us has been and continues to be influenced by other people and experiences. I remember the student who felt adamant about using the word blessed rather than lucky had parents who talked openly about their religious faith. It’s likely that her parents emphasized to her and her siblings the difference between being blessed and being lucky and naturally she was influenced by them. Some people would say it’s semantics. Some people would say when they say lucky, they believe luck is a gift from God. Some people would say they don’t believe in a higher power but they have times when they feel lucky. And so on.

We’re all on our journeys. What matters is that we change and grow along the way.

I like the simplicity and beauty of this prayer:

Day by day,
Day by day,
Lord, Dear Lord, three things I pray:
To see thee more clearly,
Love thee more dearly,
Follow thee more nearly,
Day by day.

The melody of the song that was created with the words of this prayer has been “playing in my head” recently–a prompting perhaps to write about it in my blog.

The words “day by day” remind me both that each day of our lives matters and also that how we choose to live each day matters. The choices we make, the actions we do, how we spend the time we are given. The words “To see thee more clearly” bring to mind the idea of hearing our inner voice that guides us–sometimes it is clearer than at other times. It is important that we strive to hear it because in doing so we will “see more clearly” what we are to do.

When we love our Lord more dearly, we become more able to love other people and to show that love through our interactions with them. We also become more able to love ourselves. To “follow thee more nearly” makes me think about trying to follow the teachings and examples of Christ and also about the Jungian idea of becoming more conscious which is what makes it possible for us to be more the person we were created to be.

I respect Mahatma Gandhi because he lived what he said. One of the things he said is “You may never know what results come of your actions, but if you do nothing, there will be no results.” I sometimes become disheartened when I read news stories about people who suffer because of other people’s injustice, violence, and greed. And I question whether there really is anything I can do to help. Thankfully, I have the belief that no matter how much is wrong in the world there is also a great deal that is right. There are many instances where there is justice and nonviolence, and where much is being done to benefit others.

Sometimes it works out that we see the positive results of something we have done and that, of course, is a special experience. It’s important when that happens that we keep in mind our ability to do whatever positive thing we did was a gift and to have a humble and thankful attitude about it.

But what I especially like about Gandhi’s words is that what we do matters whether we have the opportunity to see the results or not. What matters is that we make the effort, that we give of ourselves because we care. What matters is that we keep in mind that doing nothing is the wrong choice.

Here is another excerpt from Dr. Terry Chitwood’s book How to Defend Yourself Without Even Trying: “It is important to remember that it is the power of the universe that nourishes your spirit and keeps you alive. Without that energy, your breath would cease. It is a gift to live even for another moment. Show your respect for your gift of life by only using your power for the benefit of mankind and not for personal gain.”

In our busy lives, as we go from task to task, be it at work, at school, raising children, and so on, it is easy to forget the miracle of our existence. That we did not create ourselves and give ourselves life. And we do not sustain our lives. I appreciate how Dr. Chitwood expresses these truths.

And I appreciate his reminder about using our gift of life to benefit others rather than for personal gain. Modern western culture emphasizes personal gain. We see it in movies and TV programs, advertisements, all kinds of media. It is not uncommon for people who focus only on themselves to feel empty. It is people who use their gift of life to help others, especially when they’ve been able to discern their unique purpose, who find a sense of fulfillment.

An elderly man who I cared about very much passed away about ten years ago. He had cancer and during the last few months of his life he was bed-ridden. Once when I was visiting him, he told me he wondered why God designed life so that people grow old and die and at the same time babies are born. And the babies, as they grow, need to go through life experiences and learn the many things that the person who has died spent all those year experiencing and learning. My friend said he wondered why God doesn’t just let people who are already here continue to live and not have more people be born who then have to start from the beginning. I’m sure my friend was feeling sad that he would be leaving his wife of many years, that he would no longer be here to help her and be her companion. And perhaps he was starting to grieve the ending of his life on earth.

Later when I thought about what my elderly friend had said, the thought “It’s the journey that matters” came to me. The creator has created each of us and put us on this earth, and we are given the opportunity to make choices and act on those choices as we live each day. It has been my experience, and I believe the experience of most people, that the right choice in a given situation isn’t always obvious, and we need to try to discern the Creator’s will for us. Sincerely making that effort is also part of the journey, as are realizing when we’ve made a mistake, doing our best to accept challenges, and trusting that the Creator is always with us. By trying to live in this way, each of us will know we tried our best as we’re nearing the end of our earthly journeys.