Category: PersonalGrowth

“Not all of us can do great things. But we can do small things with great love.” I remind myself of this quotation by Mother Teresa from time to time. When I hear or read about some of the heartbreaking things that happen in our world, I sometimes feel discouraged. I question whether I and others can help to make our world a better place. And then I remember that whatever each of us does, when it is done with love, truly does matter.

On Thanksgiving Day some friends of mine volunteered to deliver meals prepared by a program for low-income and homebound people. Where I work some of my coworkers are collecting donations they will use to purchase gifts for children from low-income families who otherwise would not receive presents for the holidays. At the assisted living facility where my mother lives, I see adults spending time with their parents who live there and bringing items that their parents need. There are many additional examples of small things done with great love. And each of those things can mean so much to the person receiving them.

I visit my elderly mother several times a week. Each time she sees me her face brightens and she gives me a big smile. My visits to her are a small thing that I do out of love for her, and I in turn am the recipient of her love for me.

In my work as a crisis line counselor, I have often heard from people who are lonely and who long to have a loving and committed relationship. Some have been in relationships that they needed to end, some have experienced the other person leaving them and are grieving not being with that person anymore, and some have always found it difficult to meet others and have never been in an exclusive relationship. Loneliness is painful.

It concerns me when people tell me the only thing that matters is to have someone in their lives so they aren’t lonely any more. It’s essential for everyone to find a sense of meaning as individuals. I would never say this totally takes away feelings of loneliness, definitely not, for I have empathy for lonely people. But it’s important not to depend on a relationship with someone to be the only thing that makes life meaningful. For this reason, it is often recommended that people who feel lonely explore interests and activities that they might enjoy, such as learning to play a musical instrument or starting an exercise program. Another possibility is to volunteer for a cause they care about. When people are feeling down, it can be difficult to find the motivation to do this, but many people have benefited by making such choices. And sometimes doing something a person cares about leads to meeting someone who has similar interests and values.

Growing in consciousness can also help people feel less lonely. Several of the authors whose books I have read about doing inner work have found this to be the case for their clients. It’s as if the various aspects of our psyches, such as our inner feminine and masculine, are in a sense companions to us. If it were an ideal world, I would wish for everyone to have someone who loves them dearly. Because it is not an ideal world, I wish for everyone to find meaning in their lives that, if it does not totally end their feelings of loneliness, at least diminishes those feelings. And adds significance and purpose to each day.

My mother is 99 years old and thankfully was able to live in her home until she was 94, living there by herself eight years after my father passed away. Since then she has lived in an assisted living apartment. The transition from living independently to living in an assisted living facility or nursing home is usually difficult for people, understandably so. They miss the familiarity of their home, friends, and routine, and find themselves in entirely different surroundings, with people they don’t know. The transition was difficult for my mother but, I’m happy to say, she is generally content now.

Whenever I see that someone new has moved onto Mom’s floor, I say a prayer for that person. The reason each person needs to be there is unique to him or her—sometimes there are cognitive changes, sometimes physical limitations, and sometimes both. But no matter what the reason for needing to move there, I doubt that it’s an easy life change.

I recently heard someone who is in her 70s and whose mother is in her 90s complaining about the time it takes to visit her mother and do tasks for her, such as taking care of her finances and purchasing items her mother needs. One of the reasons the person gave was that she herself is getting older and it might not be long before she will need someone to take care of her. She resented that helping her mother resulted in less time being available to do things she would rather do.

If I have a long life and need to live in assisted living someday, I hope there will be people who want to visit me and to assist me with those things I can no longer do on my own. I spend time with my mother because I love her, but also to follow the teaching of “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you” (Luke 6:31). This maxim applies to many situations. If our inner direction is to do certain things we would rather not do, try not to focus on the inconvenience. A life of only ease and comfort is not a meaningful life.

A prayer I learned about many years ago is called “the Jesus Prayer.” It’s just a few words: “Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.” I’ve read that it is likely the Jesus Prayer originated from the fifth century monastic traditions of the Desert Fathers and Desert Mothers in Egypt. There are variations, including “Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me” and “Lord Jesus, have mercy.” Or simply “Jesus Mercy.” From time to time throughout the day, I’ll silently pray the Jesus Prayer.

It’s important that we remember our need for mercy. It matters very much that we try every day to follow what we discern to be direction from our inner voice. But no matter how well we do in those efforts, we always need the Creator’s help and mercy. None of us is perfect and, despite our efforts, we will make mistakes sometimes. And when we do succeed in living honestly and ethically, it is because the Creator makes that possible.

Another time I pray the Jesus prayer is when I do a relaxation breathing technique. When I’m feeling stress, I slowly inhale, expanding my abdomen, and then slowly exhale, contracting my abdomen, saying “Jesus” as I breathe in and “Mercy” as I breathe out, doing this three or four times. The breathing has a calming effect, and saying the Jesus Prayer adds to the calm I experience.

I recently read this quote by Martin Luther King, Jr.: “Faith is taking the first step even when you don’t see the whole staircase.” What a perfect definition.

Having faith helps us to live according to what seems morally right to us. Living in this way can be challenging, especially when other people are unaccepting and even critical of choices we make. That can be especially hurtful when those people are people we care about, such as family members and friends. It takes courage to live according to our values and to resist societal pressure to conform rather than to be the unique person we were created to be. Dr. King was certainly an example of someone who lived courageously and who embraced his calling.

Faith is a gift from the Creator and therefore it is not something we can cause to happen. However, I believe we can and we need to “prepare the soil” to be more ready to receive the gift of faith. Some of the ways we can do this are by trying our best to do what seems morally right, to be nonjudgmental and treat others with respect, to be thankful for our blessings, and to devote time to prayer. In these and other ways, we can be more ready to take the next steps along our individual paths.

“Egocentricity is like a hard shell around the ego, shutting the ego in, shutting other people out, and preventing the energy of the Self from coming through.” This is a quotation from one of John Sanford’s books, The Strange Trial of Mr. Hyde. Sanford, a Jungian analyst and author, had a gift for presenting Jungian ideas in clear, understandable language, and I have learned a great deal from reading his books and listening to his recorded presentations.

Egocentricity is that tendency to think only of oneself and to ignore the feelings and needs of others. When Sanford says egocentricity “shuts the ego in,” I think of limitations and rigidity, no access to new ideas, and no personal growth. Shutting other people out also results in limitations; there is no sharing of experiences and insights that can result from interacting with others. There is no assisting others either, a further sign of a deficient approach to life.

Most importantly, being egocentric cuts us off from the Self. The Self is the larger reality that includes both the ego and the unconscious; it provides energy, strength, and direction to the ego. In the same book I referred to above, Sanford writes: “Without a relationship with the Self, the ego is devoid of vital energy, creativity, and a sense of meaning in life.” Clearly, we need to be in relationship with the Self to change and grow and do those things we were created to do.

No one is without some egocentricity. It’s the degree we need to watch for in ourselves and do our best to break through that hard shell that is so limiting. This is another reason to pay attention to our dreams, synchronicities, and intuition because the Self communicates to us through them. By these means, the Self helps us to see when we are being egocentric and helps us to get back on our path.

“As one grows to understand life less and less, one learns to live it more and more.” This quotation was in a fortune cookie that came with my meal at a restaurant. The quotation resonated with me immediately. I am in my 60s so I’ve been on this earth quite a while. And although I have learned a great deal over the years and understand many things, there are certainly things I don’t understand and some that I never will. I have needed to learn to live with mystery.

I find it hard to understand cruelty. There are psychological theories about why people commit cruel acts, but I still find it hard to understand. I also don’t understand why some children are born with disabilities or become seriously ill and die, that they and the people who love them have to suffer in this way. There are many occurrences such as these that I don’t understand. There are also beautiful aspects of life I don’t understand, such as the presence of faith. But I’m thankful I have the gift of faith that helps me in many ways, including helping me to better accept mystery.

Because the quotation in the fortune cookie didn’t include an author’s name, I did an internet search because I wanted to acknowledge who the author is if I was able to find that out. My search didn’t lead me to the exact quotation; instead it led to a very similar one. Jules Renard, a French author and dramatist who lived from 1864 to 1910, said this: “As I grow to understand life less and less, I grow to love it more and more.”

This is also a meaningful quotation. But to me the difference between “living life” and “loving life” is significant. Because I believe the Creator created each of us as unique individuals with a plan for how we should live our lives, I believe I must try to follow the Creator’s direction for me whether I love life or not. I love certain aspects of life very much and I’m thankful for my many blessings, including being thankful for the people I love and who love me. But there are parts of life I do not love, such as those I mentioned above. I’ve found that trying to do what seems right for me makes living meaningful–trying to follow my path and doing the actions that involves. And through those endeavors, I do live life more and more.

One of the many meaningful quotations attributed to Mahatma Gandhi is “In a gentle way, you can shake the world.” Gandhi’s words are a reminder that each one of us can make a difference, can do our part in making this a better world.

I was reading an article recently about a woman who started a website asking people to list what they had done recently to help someone. The woman had the idea for her website because she had been the recipient of help after a very sad thing happened: her husband died of a heart attack when he was only 38 years old. She lost her husband, and their two young daughters lost their father. The woman was touched by the outpouring of help she received. People brought her and her daughters meals, offered to care for her daughters when she needed to run errands, helped with yard work, and in other ways lightened her burdens as she was grieving the loss of her husband.

Soon after starting her website, the woman began hearing from many people telling about what they had done to help others. The website has not only become a forum where people may share what they have done, it’s also a place where people can get ideas of what they can consider doing to assist someone. Seemingly small acts of kindness can make such a difference to the persons receiving them.

Another aspect of the article that meant a lot to me was how the woman was able to take an incredibly sad occurrence and use it as the basis for something good.

Where I work as a crisis line counselor, one of the lines we answer is a gambling helpline for people who are trying to stop gambling. Gambling can become addicting and, for many people, it leads to terrible problems. I have spoken with people whose gambling habit caused their marriage or other close relationships to end, who lost their homes to foreclosure, who lost their jobs – the list goes on. Thankfully, many people are able to stop gambling. But as with other addictions, they usually need help from professionals and/or support groups such as Gamblers Anonymous, and it takes a lot of hard work. Work that of course is worth the effort.

I’ve been fortunate that gambling never had much appeal to me. Hearing other people’s stories of loss and hardship has strengthened my opinion that gambling is something people should avoid. From time to time I read or hear about a nonprofit organization that had to close because of lack of funding. They are usually organizations that have provided much help to people in need. I find myself thinking I wish people who throw their money away gambling (money which mostly helps wealthy people become wealthier) would instead contribute that money to an organization whose mission is meaningful to them. Something to consider.

In my post titled “Our Journeys,” I wrote about an adolescent girl who was frustrated when a classmate didn’t agree with her opinion about a topic the girl believed was very important. After writing that post, I found myself thinking about the idea of noninterference that I had read about in Dr. Terry Chitwood’s book, Meeting Force with Silence.

Dr. Chitwood writes “When you spread your opinions where they are not wanted, you are interfering.” He goes on to say “If you want to make people tense, angry, or sad, try pushing your opinions on them.” He also shares this insight: “That is why noninterference is a concept that works. If you let situations unfold naturally and share your views when appropriate, then everything will progress smoothly.”

There are times when our ideas and opinions seem so right to us that it’s hard to resist trying to convince others that they should have those same opinions. But I agree with Dr. Chitwood that we must not interfere with other people in this way. No matter how strongly we hold a certain belief, it is wrong to try to force it on others. At the crisis line organization where I am a counselor, we are expected to use a counseling model that emphasizes trying to get a sense of each caller’s degree of readiness to do or try to do something, such as a coping strategy or self-care. It doesn’t do any good to tell a caller what he or she should do. Instead we try to collaborate with the caller to determine what might be the next step for him or her. This is another form of noninterference.

I also appreciate what Dr. Chitwood writes about letting situations “unfold naturally.” To do this takes patience and wisdom. Changes will happen naturally if we do not interfere.