Category: PersonalGrowth

“Learning to live with ambiguity is learning to live with how life really is, full of complexities and strange surprises.”

This quote is by James Hollis from his book What Matters Most:  Living a More Considered Life.  Dr. Hollis is a Jungian analyst, author, and speaker.  He has written several books, all of which I highly recommend.

As is the case for many people, I struggle with ambiguity, even though I have lived long enough to know that, as Dr. Hollis says, ambiguity is “how life really is.”  Part of the difficulty is that western culture emphasizes that answers to problems we encounter are clear and straightforward and that we can be in control of what happens in our lives.  There is a sense of security and comfort in those ideas, but there are many times when that is not the case because life is not that simple.  It’s only when we acknowledge the complexities of life that we will be better able to respond in an effective way to things that occur.

One of the unexpected happenings I’ve experienced is a family member choosing to estrange herself from me.  I know from my work talking with people who call the crisis line and through reading I’ve done that estrangements are more common than I would have thought.  But even so I would never have expected it to happen in my family.  What added to the emotional hurt was not knowing the reason for the person’s decision to end any communication with me, and she would not talk with me about it.  I acknowledge that I make mistakes, but I couldn’t think of anything I had said or done that could have resulted in her decision to end our relationship.  After experiencing much sadness, self-questioning, wondering, and wishing it wasn’t happening, I needed to accept it as something not in my control to change and also that I would not be able to know the reasons for her decision.  I had grieved the loss and needed to move on, and to be thankful for the people in my life with whom I have close relationships.

Thankfully, not all of the unexpected happenings in our lives are as emotionally hurtful as that was for me.  Another experience about which I had various feelings and concerns was when I followed what I discerned to be a message from a dream I had that involved moving to the city where I live and work now.  Having grown up in a small town, attended college in a small city, and then worked in a mid-size city for a few years, I felt some discomfort at the idea of living in a large city.  I had that dream and moved to where I presently live 26 years ago, and much that is positive in my life has resulted from my living here.  I’m thankful I followed the dream direction.

As Dr. Hollis says, we need to learn to live with ambiguity in the various situations where it arises.  Rather than deceive ourselves that ambiguity is not part of life, we can remind ourselves that life’s unexpected occurrences are a natural part of our journey and they can result in changes that make our lives more meaningful.  They provide opportunities to develop qualities such as courage, patience, perseverance, creative problem solving, and empathy.  And at times they bring us unexpected joy.

We will all gain by being more open to life’s complexities and surprises and to the emotions they cause us to feel.  In this way we will live more genuine and grounded lives.

“Do unto Others as You Would Have Them Do unto You.”

These well-known words were spoken by Jesus and appear in the Christian Bible at Luke 6:31.  They are one of the many teachings that Jesus gave during his time on earth.  His message is clear and it seems as if it shouldn’t be hard to follow, but for many of us it is.  Or at least easier to follow in our interactions with some people and more difficult in our interactions with others.  When this quote came to mind recently, I thought of the ways I want to be treated by others.

I want to be treated with respect.  We should treat all people with respect.  To do that, we need to be watchful of our tendency to consider ourselves better than others.  If someone says or does something that decreases our respect for them, we need to be open to the possibility that that person may change.  There are situations when it is the right decision for us to no longer spend time with persons whose words and/or actions conflict with our values.  But being respectful is always the correct starting point with each person we meet.

I want to be given the benefit of the doubt.  We should approach others as being honest and trustworthy until they do or say something that shows they are not.  If that happens, we need to remember that people make mistakes, including ourselves.  When people learn from their mistakes, they grow in self-knowledge which helps them to approach future situations.

I want people to not judge me.  We are less apt to be judgmental if we remember we never know everything about other people’s lives: what behaviors were modeled for them when they were children and adolescents, whether they grew up with parents/guardians who were capable of loving them, whether they experienced or observed something that traumatized them sometime during their lives, and the other ways they have been affected by people and occurrences and even by their genetic makeup.  It’s also important when we have judgmental thoughts about others to consider to what extent psychological projection might be happening—whether that which we attribute to another person might be a reflection of something about ourselves of which we are not conscious.  And then to grow in consciousness by integrating what we’ve learned about ourselves.

There are many other qualities that I value, including wanting people to treat me with patience, kindness, and generosity.

What matters is that we try to approach each other in accepting ways, looking for the good in each person.  What matters is that in our day-to-day encounters, our trying to follow the Golden Rule would certainly add much to what is positive in our world.

“We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.”

This quote is by Joseph Campbell, an American writer and professor of literature whose best-known book is The Hero with a Thousand Faces.

When I first read this quote, I thought of how it could refer to a person’s choice of career.  We might decide to attend college, a technical school, or some other post-high school program, or to instead apply for a job right out of high school.  It’s also fairly common to change jobs or to return to school to prepare for a different profession.  Whatever work we do makes up a large part of how we spend our time and becomes part of our identity.  And yet our occupation is only one of the many aspects of our lives for which we plan.

Campbell’s words are an observation that planning and making decisions from just an ego perspective are limiting, for there are many other influences that affect who we are and what we do.  We are affected by unforeseen occurrences, by the many people with whom we come into contact, by the way other people treat us, by the books and articles we read, by our unconscious phenomena such as projection and complexes, and in many other ways.

I believe that Campbell’s words about the life “that is waiting for us” refer to following our individual path, or trying our best to do so, by endeavoring to discern that which our inner wisdom conveys to us though our dreams, synchronicities, intuition, and unexpected happenings.  Following our path in major decisions, such as those having to do with our relationships and our career, as well as in smaller day-to-day decisions.  It also means drawing upon the courage and perseverance given to us to deal with challenges that arise, as well as experiencing the joyful times we are given.  These are all aspects of the life waiting for us when we take steps toward becoming the unique individuals we were created to be.

“Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.”

This quote by Mother Teresa helps me to remember that every effort we make toward the good matters.  Those efforts include helping others; endeavoring to be genuine, honest, and ethical; caring about the health of our earth; and trying to discern and follow our inner wisdom.

An example of where it has helped me to remember that seemingly small things matter is in my work as a crisis line counselor.  At times I feel somewhat disheartened because I want to assist the person who has called but I feel limited in what I’m able to do.  They might be struggling with depression and/or anxiety, relationship problems, perhaps loneliness.  Even though I know it would be arrogant of me to think I could make a big difference in their lives, I find myself wanting to lift the burden that is weighing them down.  Instead, I do the things that I can do:  I listen attentively, I try to have empathy and to be nonjudgmental, and I respond in a way that shows I care.  When it fits the situation and the caller seems open to it, I tell her or him about coping techniques that have helped others, self-care approaches that often help in the moment.  I know from personal experience and from what many callers have told me that these approaches are helpful, that they are “small things” that make a difference.

We need to keep in mind that what seem like small things can add much that is of value in all of our interactions with other people—people we know well, such as family members, friends, and coworkers, as well as people we don’t know.  Mother Teresa often expressed in her speaking and writing that whatever a person does with positive intentions adds to that which is positive in our world.  Through our words and our actions, we can all be a part of making our world a better place.

“Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow.”

This quote is by physicist Albert Einstein, who is well known for his many discoveries in physics and related fields.

Learn from yesterday:  Learning takes place throughout our lives and in many ways.  From an early age, we learn by hearing what other people say; observing people’s facial expressions, gestures, and actions; interacting with others; and taking in our surroundings.  And there is the more formal learning of attending school.  We also learn by reading, not just academic reading but all genres.  All that we learn becomes a part of who we are, influencing the decisions we make on a daily basis.  The words “learn from yesterday” also remind me that we learn from mistakes we make and of how important it is to not be afraid to make mistakes, for that learning helps us too.

Live for today:  Often we have a tendency to dwell on the past or to think about the future, looking forward to things we have planned or outcomes we hope will happen.  It’s natural to sometimes think about the past and the future, but it matters very much to live in the present moment and to make the most of doing that.  Being present with those we love, focusing on the task at hand, and appreciating the positive aspects of each day.

Hope for tomorrow:  Being hopeful helps us to live a more meaningful life.  Staying hopeful is challenging at times, especially when we or someone we love is experiencing difficulty, when we are grieving, or when we think about some of the problems in our world.  And yet we need to remember that many positive, uplifting, and healing things occur every day in our world as well.  And we can do our best to do our part to add to that which is positive and hopeful.

Our Creator gives us the ability to learn from yesterday, to live for today, and to hope for tomorrow.  By trying to discern what our inner wisdom guides us to do and then trying to live according to that wisdom, we are able to do each in a more meaningful way.

“Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.”  -The Dalai Lama

It truly is always possible to be kind.  For kindness can be shown in many ways and in many circumstances.  Some ways I was treated with kindness today were coworkers greeting me with a smile, someone I don’t know holding a door open for me, a coworker patiently answering a question I had about a work procedure, and a person who was waiting for the same bus as I was gesturing for me to go ahead of her.  Those are the actions that I remember; I’m sure there were others as well.  And each one added a little brightness to my day.  They are some of the many ways we show kindness to one another on a daily basis.

In addition to my being a recipient of kindness today, I read about situations where people’s kindness is making a significant difference in other people’s lives.  I read an article describing a pro bono project where some lawyers are providing legal expertise and completing the procedures and paperwork needed to help people leave countries where they are in hiding until it is safe to leave.  The article also told about lawyers who are representing people who have been falsely charged with crimes and are in prison.  By volunteering to investigate the facts of cases, the lawyers are working to prove that the people did not commit the crimes so that they may be free again.  Another article I read was about people who volunteer at a food shelf to help the many people who depend on it to have sufficient food for themselves and their children.  These are just a few examples of worthy causes where people are showing kindness toward others by choosing to assist in the ways they are able to.

Whether in relatively small ways, such as those I experienced today, or in larger ways, such as by volunteering time and energy toward valuable causes, each of us can and does show kindness.  For being kind is always possible, one way or another.

“We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.”

This quote is by Martin Luther King, Jr.  His words reflect the way he lived his calling as a pastor and as a leader in the civil rights movement during the 1950s and 1960s.  He and many other people who are less well known than he is gave of themselves in order to change the oppressive and unjust status quo and thereby to improve the lives of others.  Despite their nonviolent approach to bringing attention to the numerous wrongs that were being perpetrated, they were often treated with violence and imprisoned.  And yet, despite the setbacks, they did not give up.  They accepted the finite disappointments, and they held onto infinite hope as they continued to make their voices heard.

When I think of finite disappointments, I think of things not turning out the way we want them to.  It is especially disheartening when that which we want to happen seems so right, a change for the better.  When we experience these disappointments, we need to endeavor to discern whether to try again or perhaps to try a different approach toward pursuing our objectives.  In some cases, something not working out as we hoped can be a sign that it’s time to reassess whether that is the direction we should be taking.  Making an effort to discern what our inner wisdom is telling us is essential to determining what our next steps should be.

When I think of infinite hope, I think of a hope that is based on faith; a hope that is present despite whatever else is happening in our lives, including the more challenging and difficult times.  It is the hope that is present during the darker times as well as during the more joyful times.  Infinite hope also involves embracing the truth that only the Creator sees the full picture, and therefore there will be times when we won’t be able to have answers to why something did or did not happen as we wanted it to.

Infinite hope is a gift from our Creator that makes it possible for us to persevere.

“The past is past; nothing can change it.  But the future depends on the present; we still have the opportunity to shape it.  This is not a matter of employing technology or spending more money, it’s a question of developing a sense of concern for others’ well-being.”

When I read this quote by the Dalai Lama, I thought about how I sometimes recall a past decision I’ve made or action I’ve done and about how, if I had the chance to do it over, I would do it differently.  And of course there are many times when realizing I made a mistake is only clear in hindsight.  No matter what the circumstances, the reality is that I cannot change what has been done, as the Dalai Lama says.  Instead, I must let it be, hopefully learn from my mistake but don’t dwell on it, forgive myself, and focus on the present.

The Dalai Lama emphasizes the importance of having concern for others’ well-being; that in having the opportunity to shape the future by what we do in the present, we think about others rather than only about ourselves.  Some ways that we show concern are by giving our full attention to someone who is talking to us, by being nonjudgmental, by having empathy, and by being willing to assist people when it’s clear they would welcome that assistance. This is true regarding our interactions with loved ones and other people we know, and it is also true regarding each person with whom we come into contact.

It is in the present that we can endeavor to make right decisions and do right actions.  The more we are able to discern direction from our inner voice, to truly believe there is that source of wisdom within each of us, the better we will be able to make those choices and do those actions.  And when we do, they will help to shape the future in a positive way.

“Be willing to be a beginner every single morning.”

When I read this quote by Meister Eckhart, a German theologian, philosopher, and mystic who lived from 1260 to 1328, I thought about how it applies in various contexts.

The idea of being a beginner each day reminds me of the importance of being open to new possibilities and approaches.  To be watchful of the tendency to become set in our ways without realizing that is happening.  To notice when we have an automatic response to something rather than taking a moment for thoughtful reflection about how best to respond.

Meister Eckhart’s words also remind me of the opportunities we are given for “fresh starts.”  When we realize we’ve made a mistake, we can take steps to rectify it.  When we’ve inadvertently hurt someone, we can apologize.  Sometimes people don’t accept apologies, but we can do our part and then recognize that if our apology isn’t accepted at least we made the effort.  And we can look at each day as a fresh start.  When we awake each morning, we can say a prayer of thanksgiving for another day of life we’ve been given, and also pray for guidance to help us make decisions we need to make and to do the actions we need to do that day.

Meister Eckhart’s quote also brings to mind the virtue of humility, in that by being willing to embrace the idea of being a beginner we acknowledge that we don’t have all the answers, that there is always more to learn.  Sincere humility is one of the most valuable qualities we can have.  It involves a willingness to recognize our humanity, including our limitations.  It’s also important to recognize the qualities and abilities we have, but when doing so to remember they are gifts from our Creator.

Being willing to be a beginner seems like such a simple idea.  And yet sincerely doing so can have a positive effect on many aspects of our lives as well as on the lives of people with whom we interact.

“If we look at the buildings we live and work in, the roads we travel, the clothes we wear, or the food we eat, we must acknowledge that all are provided by others.  None would exist for us to enjoy and make use of were it not for the kindness of so many people unknown to us.”

This quote by the Dalai Lama serves as a reminder of the connections among human beings.  When we think of connections, many of us think of the people we know, the personal relationships we have with others.  Those relationships matter very much.  But there’s also the larger interconnection among all people.

The Dalai Lama emphasizes the kindness of the many people who through their work make available the items we need and use.  In addition to their kindness, I appreciate their commitment to doing their jobs, many of which require hard labor.  An example is the workers who harvest fruits and vegetables whose work involves repetitious movement for several hours each day.  Fresh fruit and vegetables are essential to good health and their availability in the stores where we shop is truly a blessing.

The other day I ran several errands.  I dropped off some items at a recycling center, returned and picked up items from the library, had the tire pressure checked and adjusted, and went to the grocery store.  I noticed the good customer service of the people working at each of the places I went, and I was reminded of the Dalai Lama’s words.  I also appreciate the people who work after businesses are closed to stock shelves and do the cleaning, making the spaces nice for those of us who will be there the next day.  Most of these “behind-the-scenes” jobs are low-paying, and yet they are essential.

It can be easy to take things for granted.  It’s words such as those of the Dalai Lama that help us remember to appreciate and be thankful for our many blessings and for the many people unknown to us that make them possible.