Category: PersonalGrowth

In my work as a crisis line counselor, people sometimes call because they are feeling anxious and are looking for help to deal with those feelings. Some people experience anxiety daily or almost daily, including having panic attacks. Many people who have this level of anxiety see a therapist and/or a psychiatrist and they often take prescribed medication.

For others, the anxiety is more situational. Many life events can cause stress. Perhaps they’re worried they won’t meet an upcoming deadline, perhaps someone they care about is going through a difficult time and they feel limited in their ability to help that person, perhaps there is a disagreement where resolution doesn’t seem possible—these are just a few of the life happenings that can lead to feelings of anxiety.

I am fortunate that I don’t have chronic anxiety, but there have been times when I’ve felt anxious. One of those times was when my father was seriously ill and receiving hospice care. He was often on my mind, and sometimes I would wake up at night feeling on edge and would have trouble falling asleep again. I also found myself worrying about my mother, being concerned about how she was coping during that sad and difficult period.

Crisis line counselors are trained to try to help callers to do what they are able to in the moment. In assessing callers’ needs based on what they have shared with us, we may ask if they have considered seeing a therapist, for therapists are the professionals who can assist when longer term help is indicated. In the moment, trying coping techniques is what is possible. Some coping skills that often help people to be calmer are doing breathing techniques, listening to music, writing in a journal, drawing or coloring, and exercising. Some people are able to “distract” from thoughts that are adding to the anxiety by watching a lighthearted video or doing a household chore.

What matters is being willing to try some of these self-care approaches. Many people have told me they didn’t think doing any of the coping techniques would help and were surprised that they did help. Even if the anxiety doesn’t totally diminish, by taking some steps people were able to decrease the intensity of their anxious feelings. And to feel good about their ability to do so.

“By setting aside time every day, we can leave the pixelated wilds and rest at least for a little while in a place of unplugged, authentic human connection.” This quote from author Meghan Cox Gurdon’s book The Enchanted Hour: The Miraculous Power of Reading Aloud in the Age of Distraction, is referring to setting aside time to read to children. As I wrote in a recent post, Ms. Cox Gurdon’s book presents many compelling reasons to make this commitment.

This quote also reminds me of how “unplugged, authentic human connection” is important in all relationships. Too often we see, such as in a restaurant, a family or a couple sitting together but each person, adults as well as children, is looking at his or her phone. There is no interaction among them. There are also many times when children try to get a parent’s attention, but the parent continues looking at the phone and ignoring the children or telling them to wait. These are just two of the many examples of people choosing technology over human connection.

I want to be clear that I’m truly amazed at and appreciative of advances in technology. I value the many useful features of smart phones, computers, and the internet and the way they have improved our lives. And I understand there are times when people need to check if they’ve received an email or voicemail message that needs a response. But I am concerned about the negative consequences when people spend so much time using technology that they don’t realize it is at the cost of not having genuine connections with people. I’m not alone in having this concern; many articles have been written about this topic.

When I think of authenticity, I also think of the Jungian concept of individuation. Individuation is the life-long process of becoming the unique persons we were each created to be by growing in consciousness. As people become more conscious and centered, they become more genuine and trustworthy and therefore more authentic. These are qualities that matter in interactions with the people we know and love and also with everyone with whom we interact.

One of many writers whose writing has enriched my life and helped to shape my worldview is C.S. Lewis. I’m impressed by the creative ways he approaches writing about truths, both through his fiction and nonfiction works. Among his books for which he is best known are The Chronicles of Narnia, a series of seven books generally considered to be children’s literature. They, however, speak to adults as well—as is the case for much children’s literature. Lewis is also known as a Christian apologist, someone who supports the teachings of Christianity with clear, understandable explanations and reasoning. Some of his best known works of this type are Mere Christianity, The Problem of Pain, and Miracles.

One of Lewis’ fiction works, The Screwtape Letters, is an excellent example of his ability to present truths in a creative manner. The two main characters are Screwtape, who is a senior devil who has a lot of experience doing evil, and Wormwood, who is a junior devil whom Screwtape mentors and who is also Screwtape’s nephew. Christian teachings are looked at from the devils’ points of view, and Screwtape refers to God as “the enemy” throughout the book.

One of the many thought-provoking passages in the book is when Screwtape says to his trainee Wormwood: “Be not deceived, Wormwood, our cause is never more in jeopardy than when a human, no longer desiring but still intending to do our enemy’s will, looks round upon a universe in which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys.”

When I read that quote I thought of how Screwtape’s words are a perfect definition of faith: for a person to continue to strive to obey, to continue to try to follow what that person believes to be right and just, even during those times of feeling alone spiritually. To hold on to one’s beliefs and faith when they are most challenged. There are many things that happen each day and there have been throughout the history of humankind that can lead to questioning and doubts. What matters most is to hold on to that gift of faith.

In the section entitled “Passages” of his book Meeting Force with Silence, Jungian psychotherapist Dr. Terry Chitwood writes: “Late adulthood brings a mellow acceptance. You have seen more suffering than you had ever cared to see. You have experienced more joy than you had ever thought possible. You have seen friends die, babies born. Your body is different, but your spirit is the same.”

Writers whose writing adds to the quality of my life is something for which I am very thankful. Writing that causes me to reflect, that adds to my knowledge about our world, that inspires me, that brings to mind memories. Dr. Chitwood’s words about late adulthood cause me to contemplate both my elderly mother and where she is on her life journey and also myself as I enter late adulthood.

My mother, who turned 100 years old a few months ago, grew up during the Great Depression, and her parents were quite poor. So she certainly had some challenges from the beginning. One of the ways she has been fortunate over the years, however, is that she has had few health problems. Her blessing of good health changed a few years ago though, when symptoms of dementia began to appear and also when she became weaker, affecting her ability to walk. I have been proud of her as she has made the effort to continue walking (using a walker), even though she moves very slowly.

I recognize in my mother the “mellow acceptance” of which Dr. Chitwood writes. When I enter her apartment at the assisted living facility where she has lived the past few years, she usually is sitting on the couch listening to classical music and looking at a book or magazine. Other times when I arrive she is in a common area with other people who live there. In either case, I see that quality of acceptance. This is her life now. Not the busy life of earlier years—being my father’s helpmate, caring for my siblings and me, working at various jobs, and assisting her parents when they became elderly. She has completed those commitments and did them well.

I pray that my mother may have peace and comfort during these final years of her earthly journey.

“We often take for granted the very things that most deserve our gratitude.” This quote by Cynthia Shoshana Ozick, an American short story writer, novelist, and essayist, rings true for me. How easy it can be to take for granted the air we breathe, the life-sustaining rain, and the abilities that most of us have to see, hear, taste, and sense in other ways.

A friend of mine complains whenever it rains. I suppose she doesn’t think about what would happen if it never rained again. And this very likely is her way of saying she prefers sunny days, which I understand. I love to see the blue sky too. But in a way, my friend takes for granted the benefits that rain brings.

Many people don’t think about the material things that are readily available to them—variety and easy access to foods, a comfortable home in a safe neighborhood, a vehicle that gets them where they want to go with a minimum of effort. In many parts of the world—and for some people in the United States too—millions of people do not have these gifts.

I have found that, as people grow in consciousness, they tend to grow in ability to feel gratitude as well. Becoming more aware of inner direction through dreams, synchronicities, intuitive promptings, and unexpected happenings helps us in many ways, including enabling us to recognize how very much we have been given. Doing inner work leads to the realization that our egos are just one aspect of our psyches, of the person we are. This can lead to noticing and appreciating the many blessings we have been given.

I have also found that having the ability to be genuinely thankful adds meaning and a sense of peace to our lives.

I recently read former United States Secretary of State Madeleine Albright’s book Fascism: A Warning. I found the book to be thought-provoking and informative. I appreciated Albright’s historical overview of the rise and fall of dictators, as well as her concerns about despotic leaders presently in power. Sad to say, there are many.

One characteristic of autocrats is a disregard of human rights. Related to this, Albright writes: “The real question is: who has the responsibility to uphold human rights? The answer to that is: everyone.” At one level, of course, books such as Albright’s emphasize the importance of laws being enacted that protect each person’s rights and of a judicial system that upholds those laws. These are essential to safeguarding citizens’ rights.

When I read Albright’s statement “The answer to that is: everyone,” in addition to viewing it from a systems standpoint, I also thought about it on an individual level. The ways that each of us interact with others, the causes that we care about and put time and effort into supporting, and the many choices we make each day that affect other people also add to the quality of human rights. My experience and the reading I’ve done have shown me that many aspects of Jungian psychological theory add meaning and purpose to life, and therefore I often view things through a Jungian lens. Basing our words and actions on that which we discern through inner direction not only adds to our consciousness and personal growth, but also enhances the lives of those with whom we come into contact. I believe this type of genuine interaction can certainly be considered another way of honoring human rights.

Saint Teresa of Avila was a nun, mystic, author, and religious reformer who lived in the sixteenth century. She wrote about many spiritual topics, and one of the things she said about prayer is: “For prayer is nothing else than being on terms of friendship with God.”

When I was a child, my parents and religious instruction teachers taught me and had me memorize prayers such as the Lord’s Prayer, the Hail Mary, and many others. For much of my childhood my parents and siblings said the rosary together most evenings. The other type of prayer I learned about when I was young was to pray for things I hoped would happen, such as that a sick family member would get well or that I would be given something I wanted to have.

It wasn’t until I became an adult that my prayers became more personal, more like what Saint Teresa describes. Although I believe there is a place for traditional prayers and prayer services, I find personal prayers to be more meaningful. The idea of “friendship with God” helps me to remember that the Creator is always listening, always present. I’ve lived long enough to know that what I want to happen isn’t what matters most, so I’ve come to include the words “that Your will be done” when I pray. I pray for people I know and love, and I pray for all the people in our world. I pray for certain causes and I pray for myself, that I will follow my inner voice and spiritual direction.

I share my ideas about prayer and also what Saint Teresa said in the hopes it will help others to have a more meaningful prayer life.

Earlier today I found myself thinking about some of the sad things that occur in our world and feeling discouraged that there isn’t more I can do to help. Then I came across these words by Mother Teresa: “We ourselves feel that what we are doing is just a drop in the ocean. But the ocean would be less because of that missing drop.” Her words helped me.

In another post I wrote about the Serenity Prayer. When I’m feeling down because of limitations of what I’m able to do, I need to listen to the inner wisdom that helps me to know the difference between those things I cannot change and those that I can. So the answer is not to give up because of the enormity of some of the problems, but to discern as best we can what it is we are supposed to try to do. And then try to do it. And by doing so, to add to the “ocean” of love and compassion for others.

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.” This prayer, known as the Serenity Prayer, was written by theologian Reinhold Niebuhr. It is a well-known prayer in part because it was adopted by Alcoholics Anonymous and other 12-step programs.

The Serenity Prayer helps me to put things in perspective. As I have mentioned in some of my posts, I find myself wondering why there is so much that is wrong in our world, in particular the cruel things people do to each other, such as child, elder, and intimate partner abuse, hate crimes, and war. I feel for the innocent people who just want to live their lives in peace but happen to have been born in a war-torn country or a place where cruel acts based on racial or ethnic prejudice are common. And there are also the less obvious but too prevalent forms of cruelty such as people being involved in scams that steal money from vulnerable adults. Not only do I wonder why such cruelty exists, I also feel very limited in my ability to help people in those situations.

The Serenity Prayer helps me to accept that there are things I cannot directly change. Just as important, however, it also helps me to focus on and put energy toward doing the things I do have the ability to accomplish, or to work toward accomplishing, that help to make our world a better place. These include endeavoring to treat people with respect, to be patient, and to be fair. And to have humility, remembering that any positive qualities I have and any of my accomplishments are gifts from the Creator.

The Serenity Prayer also reminds me of the Jungian concept of individuation, the inner process where a person grows in consciousness and becomes more whole. Where the prayer refers to courage, I’m reminded that it takes courage to try to follow the direction we receive from our inner voice. And where the prayer refers to wisdom, I’m reminded of the wisdom of our inner voice that both gives us direction and also gives us the ability to try to follow that direction.

Many of the Jungian authors I have read believe that each person who becomes more conscious, who works toward individuation, helps our world. I pray and I believe that this is true.

“Ordinary happiness depends on happenstance. Joy is that extraordinary happiness that is independent of what happens to us. Good luck can make us happy, but it cannot give us lasting joy. The root of joy is gratefulness.” These words were written by Brother David Steindl-Rast, a Benedictine monk, psychologist, and author. When I read them, I immediately related to what Brother David is expressing.

Many things can make us feel happy. Spending time with people we care about, doing work we enjoy, having something positive happen that we hadn’t anticipated, and volunteering for a cause we care about are a few of the many activities or experiences that can add to our feelings of happiness.

Brother David’s words “The root of joy is gratefulness” especially resonate with me. It is important to remind ourselves often of all that we have been given and for which we should be thankful. It only takes reading a headline or two to realize how blessed we are. We are thankful for the times when we are content and have a sense of well-being. But we also need to be thankful for the more difficult and challenging times, because those experiences and how we approach them help us to grow as individuals, to become more empathic, courageous, and caring. In fact, I have found that reminding myself that there is a reason I am being faced with a challenge—even if that reason isn’t clear at the time—helps me to take the steps to deal with the challenge.

By being genuinely grateful, we open our hearts to joy, “that extraordinary happiness” of which Brother David writes. We cannot make joy happen—it is pure gift. Being thankful for our blessings and not taking them for granted help to prepare us to receive the gift of joy.